THE UGLY GOD DAMN MOTHERF*CKER BASTARD IS ME

SYAMIN!! kau tak penat ka asyik naik berat badan ja.. bila turun naik balik.. naik mendadak pulak tuuu… ohhh dearrrr..For a 5'4 inch tall girl like you, you should weigh just about 54-67kg ONLY!! thats the ideal weigh for that kind of height..Now what happens??? You like a God damn motherf*cker OBESE.. you had surpassed that ideal weight long time agooo.. The last time I remembered was 2006 perhaps.. ughhh…Since the last winter, you put on 10 more kgs.. and you succeeded to reduce it by 2-3kg.. Then, what happened then?? you put that 2-3kg up again.. You UGLY BASTARD SYAMIN!!!Now, Ive been seeing you eating alotttt.. Stop cooking malay dishes. They make you eat rice from like satu sawah padi..




Now you should listen to me SYAMIN…
1. Stop eating rice too often.. 2-3 times a week for a start..
2. FAST!!! no matter what fast on MONDAY and THURSDAY.. no compromise! if its not like muslim fast just do like the indians! or just drink the fu*king water the whole day till the sun sets
3. I dont how you gonna do this cause you're one lazy asshole… exercise.. I know you hate running, but do the others stupid!
4. Dont go to the kitchen, korek2 searching for food at night.. studying makes you hungry but it doesnt mean you have to eat heavy food… bitch!





I just have lack of continuous determination, and less continuous support.

P/S: sorry syamin, this the first time I use such a complete oxford dictionary profanity in one topic.. never do this again.. dont try this at home.. :|

Adulthood kills me

5 years old,1995 --- 
Mak, when can I go to school?? Mak, boring la duk rumah…

12 years old,2002--- 
I cant wait to wear those light blue kain!! Mak can I throw this white shoes, Im not going to wear it no more.

13-17 years old, 2003-2007---
 I wonder how amazing life would be to be in College? No more uniforms and say Bienvenue to freedom!! 

21 years old,2011
--- LIFE IS GREAT! adult officially!! I could do anything I want to.  Its finally here..

So, here comes the content: Adulthood kills me…

Recently on Facebook profile : 

 "Being an adult is so much fun when you are legal in most stuffs you cant do when you're minor but when it comes to problems, they are serious shits that you have to face, no more "im gonna tell my mum!".. :|"

          YES, I,the eager and patient less creature ever made by God. I always desire more than I should earn at one time. I've been manufactured with an extra dose of greedy. My wish to become a fully grown up woman was overwhelmed since I was young. My eyes are wandered to find images that could matches me. I had been sculptured by the characters mostly I observed; I mixed them up, creating a new version of human being.

       Sometimes being a young adult, there are so many things that I cant handle. OF COURSE,I love paying my own bills, living in my own rented apartment, purchasing stuffs I love with my money though Im not yet earn it by getting my ass to work.

   Handling LIFE theoretically its easy.. ONLY when everybody around us done their parts. Adults like messing around with young adults like me. They take us lightly, they make us miserable; they are bully. And I, I am terrifically inexperienced, I am anxious trying new stuffs, I am afraid of been judged, highly incompetence and perfectly vulnerable to be stepped on.

          Well perhaps this is the idea of being an adult. You're capable of doing anything better than the other age groups. You have this feeling of contentment and proud to be the dominance. The need to make one suffer the way you suffered. The pleasure to be viewing one's agony; sadist! Maybe I have to succumb to this rule of the universe, its a cycle, its going round and round. I might be doing the same thing later in life. Lets hope not.. 

TIDAK kataku

TIDAK kataku

Aku sudah bukan seperti aku 

Aku yang kukenal tahu apa yang diri mahu

Aku yang dahula bisa kata 'ya' pada sesuatu yang hati mahu

Aku yang dulu juga bisa kata 'tidak' pada yang hati sesak

tapi kenapa bukan kini

kenapa bukan pada waktu 'tidak' itu diperlukan

apa harus aku laku buat bibir lafaz kata hati

untuk lidah kata 'tidak'

tapi jika ikut kata rasa hati lain bakal retak

aku tak mahu dicemuh batunya hati

sayang diri biar orang sebak

ikut hati biar yang lain retak

tapi harus kugagahi

biar bibir turuti hati

biar hati selari bibir

'tidak' harus kubilang

harusnya lidah basah tak kelu

bibir terbelah ungkap yang terbuku

agar hati senang senyap membisu

To where it should have been.. here in Dublin :)

I’m breaking..Falling to pieces..
Shattered..
Yet I find no comfort..
still..
Not even from a graceful person; the womb of hers that carried

No one even collect me and put me back to where I should have been
I’m alive but barely breathing..
Feels like choking with my own wrongdoings
Allah, lead me the way..
The right path that You sealed for me
I resign myself to my fate…
following what comes in front

Something that I wanted the most can’t never always be mine
Something that I think I wanted the least might be the best of all
In this period of time the angst might be unbearable
But I do believe the flower will blossom in the garden of hope and faith..
It shall not wither by the seed of doubt..
Keep hanging on in there..
There always a place where it will grow ravishingly
Where it suppose to be..
Where it should have been...always..

..2255hrs,SUNDAY..
..syamin..

...

Do you ever feel like something is not right.. but you dont know what's the reason behind it?

Do you feel like wanting to talk to someone but then you realise that you dont have one than can actually do so?
……………..
and you scroll down your contacts, fb chats, skype and all social networks that you possibly have; trying to find one who can actually listen? then suddenly you realised why you have to scroll: searching if all are your friends?

You realised again that not all people around you, you comfortable with and most important willing to listen without judging or talking about their experience going through rough moments, which are not  helping seriously.

Do you ever feel like dont know how to start sharing our problems and suddenly you feel like you have zero in mind.. you dont know exactly whats your problem?

Its like you wanted to have some kind of machine that can telepath what's in your mind to one so that one can understand your mind n feelings..

I wish they have invented something like that..

I really…




really


need that..


Im bad in expressing my feelings.. my true feelings.. i just dont know what's the right word.. when's the right moment.. how to give the best expression.. i just know how to write..

AKU... Entah??

Pernah rasa satu perasaan yang entah mana datang,

jiwa gelora (ayat nak bajet kan) tapi memang tepat dengan keadaan AKU sekarang.

AKU tak tahu nak gambarkan. sedihkah AKU? kecewakah AKU? marahkah AKU? penatkah AKU? 

entah.. 

KOSONG...

tak tahu apa sebab musabab  

tak ada aral datang tersembam

marah? jauh sekali

kecewa? mungkin setapak menongkah arus

sedih? hurmmm...sudah hampir tu

rindu?? errr... ENTAH LAGI.. 

bila ada rasa dalam hati kering seorang yang bernama AKU.
Bibir biar buka bicaranya ENTAH. 

kerana AKU itu mengerti juga tiada

ya Allah adakah AKU sendiri yang mendera jiwa sedangkan 

Kau beri titian luas untuk AKU merasai rasa ini.

p/s: entry yang AKU sahaja yang faham. tak apa.. sebaik baiknya dapat AKU leraikan anak-anak pemikiran yang berkelahi dalam kepala.. 

Jadi, dah boleh setadi la kan Cik AKU?? hehe

POLITIK: dari apa yang kulihat

     Kebelakangan ini aku sering lihat papan skrin komputer ribaku akan kacau bilaunya politik negaraku. Banyak pendapatku; banyak pemikiranku yang inginku kongsikan bersama manusia lain. Tapi tak kujumpa manusia yang ingin berbicara kisah dongeng kancah politik. Jikaku hamburkan segala yang ligat di kepala, manusia kecam aku pro-A dan anti-B.. susah bila orang suka buat penilaian

Kerajaanku hebat tetapi penggeraknya korup

rakyatnya celik tapi buta cara

pemain pentasnya niat jadi penolong

tapi pabila naik mula jaga pangkat dan harta

bila diatas mula jaga orang yang dulu mengandar

duit gelap bersepah merata- rata

Kini takut hijab terbuka 

jika tampuknye berubah

Pembangkangku bersuara

mintak perubahan tapi kadangnya jelik

mintanya yang tak dapat ditunai

mintanya menggugat hak ditangan

kritikan diberi perbaiki yang buruk

tapi diguna untuk jatuhkan yang ada

Ada yang hantu

bila diseru baru melatah

kekiri pergi dia kekiri

kekenan pergi dia kekanan

melaung sambil hirup kopi

telan karipap sambil mulut celoteh

Permerhati dari jauh hanya lihat

mula bersuara tapi kecil

tak tahu merangkak mahu kemana

atas pagar tapi mesti juga terpesong kiri atau kanan

amarah datang lihat kini tampuknya gelap

tapi takutnya juga ada pada perubahan

takut haknya kini ditarik

takut hilang satu persatu

mungkin dulu kurang dapatnya

tapi nanti hilang terus dakapannya.